


Memories

by arisaema



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-03-10
Updated: 2005-03-10
Packaged: 2017-10-29 10:08:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,209
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/318742
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/arisaema/pseuds/arisaema
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set after OOTP, Remus thinks about his first memory.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Memories

**Author's Note:**

> Written so long ago and mostly just up here so I have a record of it. Lots of teenage angst and lack of writing skills present.

Many people can say that their first memories are of something happy, like a birthday, or their mother smiling at them. Remus Lupin's first memory was far from that. He was laying in his bed in a musty old house many years later, unable to sleep, thinking about it. He had been young when he was bitten, just recently three. Instead of the warmth of his mother's voice or the sound of ripping paper from a present, Remus Lupin remembered pain. Not just where the teeth of the werewolf pierced his shoulder, but all over. It seemed as though every cell was being ripped into and changed. He thought it was sad that he had no memories in which he was completely human.

Not all of his childhood memories were bad, though. He didn't have many, each transformation into beast and back blended together after a while, and life was just the same painful cycle over and over again. One thing stood clear in his mind though.

It was a night with a new moon when Remus was 5, and his father had come into his room said to him,"Come with me, Remus. I want to show you something."

He led a sleepy and nervous Remus outside to look at the night sky. He remembered seeing his breath on the night air, the sensation of bare toes on the grass, and a feeling of safety, since the moon wasn't there to glare at him. His father had held him close and said, "Remus, look at the sky. What is the brightest thing there?"

Remus tentatively gazed upward, half expecting the moon to jump out at him from the blackness, but it did not. He finally settled on the brightest star he could find and pointed. "That one, Daddy."

His father smiled. "Thats right, Remmy. Do you know what that star's name is?"

Remus shook his head.

"It's called Sirius. The dog star."

"It's a dog?" Remus had asked, bewildered at how a dog could be so high up and so bright.

"It sure is. Its a great big dog that will watch out for you wherever you go. When the moon is out, you can know that Sirius is right there with it, protecting you, and it never goes away. The moon goes and comes, but Sirius will always be there and always be bright. You can look for it when you're scared."

Remus had never forgotten that. When he was particularly scared or cold, he would search the sky for Sirius, and always found comfort in the Dog Star.

When Remus was eleven, He went off to Hogwarts. He gave his father a trembling hug and stepped onto the train, leaving behind the only person he knew who truly loved him. Avoiding making eye contact with anyone he squeezed by in the train's corridor, he found himself an empty compartment and sat there, trying to collect himself.

"You will make new friends. Everything will be all right," he repeated to himself, but the Wolf hovered in the back of his mind, laughing and whispering that no one would ever befriend a werewolf.

He glanced out the window of his compartment at the sky, knowing full well that it was daytime, but still running through star charts in his mind, wondering where the star he knew would comfort him might be. He was gripping the edge of the seat, praying to whatever might hear him to help him feel safe. He was on the verge of tears when a head popped in his compartment, grinned and popped back out. Remus gasped, startled.

"James! James, over here!" He heard someone say. "Just one in this one, there's room for us!"

Remus's heart started beating wildly. People were coming! To sit with him! They couldn't see him scared like this. He tried to make up some excuse to  
get them to them to leave, but the words wouldn't come. Moments later, two black haired boys came bouncing into his compartment. The one with glasses was slightly shorter, but they both wore the same mad grin on their faces.

"Hogwarts!" Gushed the bespectacled boy.

"I know!" Exclaimed the other. "I can't wait!"

They looked at him expectantly, as though waiting for his thoughts on the matter. Remus stared at them in horror. He had no idea what to do.

The taller boy took care of that for him. He thrust his hand out towards him and said brightly, "I'm Sirius Black, and this git's James Potter. Who're you?"

Before he could stop himself, Remus exclaimed "Sirius?"

"Yeah." Said the boy with the name in question. "Like the star, you know? Parents a bit on the insane side."

James snorted. "A bit?"

"But anyway, who are you?" repeated Sirius, dismissing his friend's comment.

Remus sighed, sweet relief washing over him. He wasn't sure if it was the desperate praying to the cosmos that did it, but his guardian had followed him to Hogwarts, and he could feel his fear slipping away.

"I'm Remus Lupin," he said, a new sort of smile pulling at the corner of his mouth.

And protect Sirius did. When he found out about Remus's lycanthropy, he did not desert him. He, James, and another boy, Peter, all joined him once a month as animals, but it was Sirius's canine brotherhood that kept the wolf at bay the most. Sirius was even more comfort in human form. Their bond was a strong one. They were more than just friends or lovers. It was something he didn't need to question. His warm presence in bed at night kept nightmares away, and his kisses reminded Remus that even werewolves deserve love.

But now, Sirius was gone. He had been gone once before, and Remus had gotten him back for only two unbelievable years before he was ripped from him once more, leaving a hole bigger than anything Remus could imagine.

Back in the present, a shriek startled Remus out of his reverie. He sighed. He knew he had to get up and cover Mrs. Black with the tapestry. He didn't want to wake Harry. Now that the summer was almost over, Harry was able to join Remus and the some of the Order at #12 Grimmauld Place, and Remus knew how fitfully Harry slept.

He pulled the curtain over Mrs. Black with trembling fingers and walked towards the window. He wondered why it had taken him this long to remember this. His body was shaking as tears flowed silently down his scarred cheeks. His eyes searching the night sky, coming to rest on the Dog Star, and as he felt the chill bumps creep up his neck, the incredible ache he'd felt in his bones all summer lessened. Sirius twinkled at Remus and he'd never felt the star so close to him.

He smiled and walked away from the window. He opened the door as quietly as he could, not sure if he wanted to wake the boy who slept there. It was no matter, he was awake anyway, sitting up and looking at Remus quizzically.

He wiped the tears from his eyes as new ones took their place and said "Come with me, Harry. I want to show you something."


End file.
